Blue Sweatshirt

You were sitting in the front row, third seat from the right

I was in the third row, third seat from the left

That day, I thought I was okay, but then

You

Walked

In

Wearing that same goddamn blue sweatshirt you had given me months ago

The same sweatshirt I gave back—

No, threw back—

That night when you showed up on my doorstep

Green eyes watery and headphones around your neck

For the first time since I met you, you looked…

Human

I only knew you as someone with a hard exterior

And I was foolish to think that I could be the one to break down your walls

(Sighs.)

God, I was a fucking idiot

When you told me what you did,

That sweatshirt found its way to the pavement at your feet as I slammed the door in your face

I hope I was quick enough so you couldn't see my tears

Tears that even surprised me by how quickly they fell

That night I curled up in bed with my headphones on

Rap music blasting so loud, I just wanted it to consume me from the inside out

Overflowing me with rage that I could feel it from my fingertips to my toes

Except the reality was that while I was feeling this white-hot rage

Tears still ran down my cheeks onto my pillow

And I apologized to it for soaking it with tears but it just couldn't be helped

Rap music fascinates me

It helps foster seeds of anger into hurricanes of fury

Because it makes me feel things I rarely feel

And coincidentally

It was spilling from my own earbuds when you walked in

And found home in the front row, third seat from the right

_______________

Originally penned February 12, 2020.