What We Realize About Ourselves

I sometimes wonder why I choose to bare my soul to the internet on a weekly basis. It can be scary, and I often ponder if I share too much and if anyone really cares. But writing is my therapy, and I know this shouldn’t be the reason why I write, but I write to share with people. So you, dear reader, are my motivation. It may be due to my ego, but I love it when people read my words. And second, I write these personal posts so someone may know that they are not alone if they are going through the same circumstances. I believe there is great power in storytelling, and that is why I write. 

I think this post will surprise some people, and may even upset a few. But it has things in it that I have been pondering for weeks and months. Today’s post is about my personal mission statement. These kinds of statements are used for focusing on what is important to you and allows you to specify your goals and what you need to do to achieve them. Last fall I was challenged to write one, and I wrote a healthy amount of this post but never finished it. And I’m still not quite sure what to put. Or even to think. 

These past few months, the biggest question I kept asking myself was “what is my purpose in life?” followed by “what do I want to do with my life?” Would you be surprised, reader, if I told you I was no closer to an answer now as I was then? I feel like something inside of me has shifted. Something has changed. 

I’ve always wanted an adventurous life. Since the sixth grade, I knew I belonged in New York City and I knew I loved to write. Those are the only two things (besides my faith) that have stuck with me all these years. I know that stories belong in my life. To what extent, I’m not sure yet. And I’m okay with that uncertainty right now. Uncertainty is part of life’s journey. 

College has given me things to think about. Writing. Publishing. Books. Politics. The Middle East. The Arabic language. All things I have an interest in. But as I sit here on my couch and think good and well about my future, are those things really my passion? Or have I simply taken things from other people and made it my passion? Those words are utterly terrifying to think about, let alone write and post for the world to read. And I know some of you, dear friends, will be shocked and even upset. Don’t get me wrong, I love the Middle East and learning about its intricacies and learning the Arabic language has been a fun challenge, but do I want to dedicate my life to it?

As stupid as it may sound, I read a quote the other day that said “if it’s not a ‘hell yes!’ it’s a ‘no,’” and that resonated with me deeply as I think about my options and my future. I understand that that quote cannot always be applied to life, but I think it can be put to good use sometime when determining the trajectory of someone’s life. 

I have a secret. Back in November I applied for a study abroad program to study Arabic overseas. And even now as I wait for the outcome of my application, I’m not sure I would accept if I was selected. Studying abroad does not invoke a “hell yes!” within me. This leaves me to ponder if I truly want to learn Arabic, or if it’s something I have taken from people and made it mine simply because it seemed like the “right” thing to do. 

That leaves me now to ponder what I am truly passionate about. Over winter break I have reconnected with my creative side; I have forgotten how much I love to make things. I miss working on poetry and making mix CDs for my friends and crafting stories from my mind. I miss having my head swim with ideas as I struggle to type everything down so I don’t forget it. 

While I may not know exactly what I want, there are things I know I don’t want. I know for certain that I want a job that doesn’t leave my creativity drained at the end of the day. I’d rather work in something more practical so I can come home at the end of the day and write. For about a year now I’ve been interested in working for the United Nations or the U.S. State Department. But if this past election has told me anything, it’s that I really hate politics. It’s a messy arena, no matter what it focuses on. It expects things from me that I simply do not wish to give. Does that make me selfish? Possibly. But does it make me human? Absolutely. 

I know I asked the questions “what is my purpose in life?” and “what do I want to do with my life?” earlier, but I honestly don’t know if I want to answer them right now. From day one of my life, I have had parents and family and friends tell me that I am made for great things. And that may be true. But right now, in January 2021, after living almost a year through a global pandemic, I like the idea of having a quiet life, rather than one filled with grand schemes. A life where I go to my job and then come home to my partner, or I meet with friends for dinner, or I write until I fall asleep. A life that is good. 

A woman posted on Twitter a few months ago: “I don’t think your life has to have a purpose, or you a grand ambition; I think it’s okay to just wander through life finding interesting things until you die.” That’s not to say I don’t have goals or ambitions—I do. But I am now beginning to analyze things through a different lens than from before. 

And now, finally, my personal mission statement as of January 2021:

My mission in life is to be who I am. In the spring of 2023 I will graduate from college, and I want to secure a tolerable (if not enjoyable) eight-to-five job in the city that I love that supports my personal life. I want to write so much that my hands ache. Poetry, fiction, journals, I want my words to bleed onto the page for people to read years from now. Whether it be through my job or a hobby, I want to help people tell their stories. There is a power behind storytelling that is too big for me to ignore. I want to love this world and the people in it so much that I know I will give myself heartbreak and heartache but in the end it will be worth it because love is everything. Relationships make the world go round and I intend to keep old ones and create new ones with people throughout life. At the end of the day, I want to crawl into bed and be happy with myself. And I want to feel completely and utterly alive every single day. 

Is this statement too whimsical and not enough goal-oriented? Yes.

Do I care? No. 

Of course as a college student I will continue to think about my future. But I am now thinking about my future in the lens of what I want. Not what my parents want for me. Or mentors. Or friends. (Though I love you all so much.) But what I want for myself in plain honesty. And that’s difficult. Because I know people expect things from me and I am a people-pleaser. But if I'm a people-pleaser to everyone but myself, I know that will not make for a happy life. 

And hey, life is one crazy rollercoaster. Who knows what will happen in the next year. Or even six months. Or tomorrow. Life is a Choose Your Own Adventure, and I plan on making the decisions myself… with a little guidance from my loved ones.